let temptation take you

so in other news this guy mike

who ive been on again off again making out groping you know all that romantic jazz

at one point he told me he wanted to start a relationship up, and what did i do.. umm i went to ben. and now me and ben arent together so I always wondered if it was one of those wrong choice senarios. Anyways i told him a million times i liked him, and he in return told me a million times "im not ready for a gf"

so when he started dating christine i was midly jealous, they dated for like a week, she was in my english class and chatted non stop about how she thought things were going FAR and how he always talked about the Future. and BOOM. they break up

so they stay broked up for about a couple weeks.. (haha this is getting confusing right?) and then the other night he re-asked her out. and then i spiral back down into my jealousy and regret balh blah blah and then... a DAY later they break up AGAIN.

i dunno what the hell is wrong with this kid

but theres no way im ever getting a relationship with that fool.

if i had to choose you or the sun, id be one nocturnal son of a gun

alright im out of this emo kick ive been on for like a week now.
im guessing its one of those hormonals unbalances everyone is always talking about. anyways i hung out with this guy steve yesturday before work and it was very strange.
we went to leave and instead of letting me into the car he just drove away. so i stood in the middle of his street for like 2 minutes wondering if he would ever come back.
he did, but man i was mid anxiety attack at this point
because im my retard mind im thinking "did i so something he might want to revenge me for".."is he gonna come back?".. "how the hell am i gonna get to work and WTF am i gonna say"...
anyways he came back obviously, and i told him i freaked to he held my hand and told me hed never do that to me and said to calm down
i said "i cant calm down" and what does he do Stop his car in the middle of effing traffic and says he wont drive until i calm down.
so im sitting there screaming im calm im calm im calm
he dosent believe me
it was a very weirdly attractive situation for me and like i realised personality wise hes my type.
i love a guy that can push me (not physically)

And then i went to work, got back from work and hung out with a bunch of my girl friends who are the funnest to be with and who remind me why i dont need a boyfriend right now.

escape

i dont think i still like my EX

i dont think i still have the feelings i once did, i dont think we get along like we used to i dont think any of the chemistry is there anymore.

And for some reason im so obessed with like the IDEA of us, like wanting the feelings we shared back wanting what we had back and sometimes not even the we

not even the him

just wanting the feelings back.

I need to be needed, and i need someone to tell me that i have made such an impact on their life, or that ive changed them, or that they have never felt this way before. I loved making him into a better person, i need to be needed.

My life is shambling as we speak and falling apart at the seams, the Ex is most likely getting back together with his Ex and like i dont even know how i feel. Thats the worst part of this whole thing.. i just dont know what i want. I dont want him. I dont want to be an 'Us'. i just want him to not exist.

i want to move away and leave, i am such a downer lately its unreal.

but new song to check out- the great escape by patrick watson

Bad Day

Lookin for a way, home

Lookin for the great escape

Gets in her car and drives away

Far from all the things that we are

Puts on a smile and breathes it in and breathes it out

He says

Bye Bye, Bye to all the noise

Oh she says, Bye bye, bye to all the noise

hardest part

i am OBSESSED with my EXBF, my lord its actually horrid
and the worst part is like every song i HEAR i relate back to him
I really don't know what to do at this point
I unblocked him on msn
But he's probably going to block me right back, considering last time we spoke it was pretty much a hate email from him saying "get out of my life, im over you and i dont ever want to talk to you again".. i dont GET why i want him, he treated me like crap, we never got along, the sex was like not even that good...
ugh i hate my life, but lets end this baby with some sick ass song quotes, for some reason music has been really creeping into my thoughts alot, and in turn in my writing. All I feel i cant put down in writing can be summed up in songs

I could feel it go down
Bittersweet I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out

And the hardest part
Was letting go not taking part
You really broke my heart

your ex-lover is dead

I dunno what to write, i think im a bad writer in the fact i have so much to say but no clue how to put it in words. Lately my life has been weird, im happy because i think i now have a solid group of friends so like i keep busy but it feels like theres always something missing.

which is probably the EX that i want... and miss

i like to listen to lyrics and take out lines i feel like hit me more then normal lyrics.. and theres this one song In The Sun by Joseph Arthur i feel he lives in my life.

my all time FAVOURITE line from any song tho is:

"its nothing but time and a face that you lose,

i chose to feel it and you couldnt chose

live throught this, and you wont look back

im not sorry i met you, im not sorry its over, im not sorry theres nothing to say"

this song helped me get thru my breakup in the first place. haha now when i listen to it, it dosent impact me like it did before. but if you have alot of time on your hands make sure to download:

your exlover is dead by stars, and ageless beauty by them 2 while your at it.

So he recently broke up with his gf of 8 months, and while im happy, im sad because hes not coming to be and it really makes me think of that scene from mean girls...

" you think everyone's in love with you, but in realitly, everyone hates you, like Aaron Samules for example! He broke up with Regina and guess what, he still doesn't want you, Cady! So why are you still messing with Regina? I'll tell you why, because you are a mean girl, you're a bitch!"

it happened when my FB (fuck buddy) broke up with his gf, and now the EX and just when i think they will come running back to me, the person they loved in the first place, they dont.

first timer

day 1-I've started 20 millions of these, never seem to stick to it, it's hard writing a blog you know nobody will read.AND i always start these when things just get too fucked up.
a- im in a relationship i dont want to be in
b- Im still in love with my exbf, we broke up about a year ago
c- my fuck buddy has a gf
d- this other guy i like Brad is like my best friend, we have huge chemistry but he wont kiss me.
ill let you absorb that lil conundrum till next timexo chinviesss